It's my photographer journal.
http://shawnmilesphotography.blogspot.c
God Bless America Lyrics
by Irving Berlin
God bless America,
Land that I love,
Stand beside her and guide her
Thru the night with a light from above;
From the mountains, to the prairies,
To the oceans white with foam,
God bless America,
My home, sweet home.
God bless America,
My home, sweet home.
The Star Spangled Banner Lyrics
By Francis Scott Key 1814
Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:
'Tis the star-spangled banner! Oh long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!
And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion,
A home and a country should leave us no more!
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps' pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!
Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved home and the war's desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!
America, The Beautiful Lyrics
by Katharine Lee Bates - 1913
O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America! God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!
O beautiful for pilgrim feet,
Whose stern impassion'd stress
A thoroughfare for freedom beat
Across the wilderness!
America! America! God mend thine ev'ry flaw,
Confirm thy soul in self-control,
Thy liberty in law!
O beautiful for heroes proved In liberating strife,
Who more than self their country loved,
And mercy more than life!
America! America! May God thy gold refine
Till all success be nobleness,
And ev'ry gain divine!
O Beautiful for patriot dream
That sees beyond the years
Thine alabaster cities gleam,
Undimmed by human tears!
America! America! God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!
It's Antir West war weeken. Be safe everyone driving down. I have mixed emotions. I don't drink anymore and hate that escapism I always felt when I got there. This last weekend camping with the family was so much more enriching and envigorating that I doubt I'll be doing an event this year.
I think I'll take my embroidery and put it on something. Not sure what. I live skills I learned and the friendships made. I also grew from it. I just don't want that life. It's to hard on my health.
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Ok I will after this post.
I have huge anxiety over missing work when I get sick that I create my own drama. Its so not necessary and now when I go into the office on Monday I'm going to have to deal with a shit storm. There are some days I just hate being me. There are other days I just love it. I feel like a big change needs to happen and I've felt it for over a year. I keep growing and this company is holding me back, no that's not right. I'm holding me back. I really hate what I do, no matter how hard I try to talk myself into believe I have to stay there for the health care I really just hate it. I take my meds and I conform.
I'm scared to death about survival if I were to leave. How would I pay for my meds? How would I afford to live if I were to leave? I hate sitting at a desk every day trying to do something I hate.
I really need to find the courage and move into a different field. I've read all the books my friend gave me. I understand about following my heart, and making the plans and going where I need to go.
I have all the excuses in place to keep me where here. My current bad (all fucking medical too) is more then I can afford to pay. I won't be able to get a student loan if I don't pay it off. How can I make my car payment, child support or car insurance, let alone rent if I leave this job to go to school?
I would be such an amazing Photographer, web designer, artist. How many out of work (fill in the blank) are there right now?
See I have all the excuses because I lack courage and conviction.
I'm going to be miserable until I find it. I couldn't settle for R what makes me think I can settle for AT&T?
I hate programming, I hate coding, I hate all of it. I hate it!
Leave me alone with my thoughts long enough, leave me stuck to think on this especially around mid year review time and I come back to this very same feeling every single time.
I should be creating from my mind wonderful entertaining creatures that amaze in wonderment not gripping or zipping files to the correct directory so two super giants can talk to each other and make more money. For what, for something in this life that doesn't really matter in the end.
Ok I need to drink water and take my vitamins then sleep. I feel like hell.
I've been stuck on this couch since yesterday and I'm already stir crazy. Hahaha. I have this urge to create and I'm torn between a dress, a doll or painting. I used up all of energy doing the dishes.
I'm thinking creating will have to wait.
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So I'm sick again and it sucks. This time I'm really stuck in my head about it to. I was supposed to help a friend who is having a procedure and needs some support. I can't be there for her, luckily she made back up plans. Only because She's been there does she get it.
This is kind of deeper rooted then I realized. I have a lot of guilt for being sick. I get depressed and don't want to stop moving because I feel enept and inadequite.
Now I can connect with the feelings I'm going to work on why. It's old, it's a thinker and it's going to take time.
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http://www.flickr.com/photos/girlsh
I'm stealing a few moments from work, well it's my break so it's not stealing, and updating.
I miss having a very powerful computer and I miss having extra money for gadgets. These last few months I've learned to eat more from the fridge and stopped eating out so much. I'm hoping I can keep this habit up and eventually I'll be able to start saving more money so I can go back to my computer time at night so I can play catch up on my buddies. I miss reading about the adventures of
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
yo_sarrian photography or sidhefire home stead. I miss ready about the nursing adventures of gldngrrl and the list goes on, I'm just out of time.so yeah back to work.
Hope everyone is having a fantastic summer!!
I'll be posting more pictures later.
When the realization hit me it slammed me in the face, about 10 minutes ago.
I'm probably in one of the biggest anxiety attacks I've had in a long time. It keeps building, I'll ignore it and then it slams back in my face.
It doesn't help that my thyroid is still off. That just wears me out faster. Chin up, I keep telling myself. Don't let my spirits fall because if they fall what's left? I will fall down that damn well and Alice isn't down there with the rabbit.
I talked it out with a friend and everything I knew already was repeated. You can't control others. This is so true. There will always be jerks in every job I have. This is 100% true. I actually really enjoy what I'm learning and see potenial for personal growth.
I think this is a challenge I could give myself before moving on. I could challenge misled to learning how to deal with jerks like this one. How to conquer and be successful.
Truth be told I'd rather make art and sell that. Art doesn't afford me the luxioury of paying my debt or buying meds. Damnable health. I would rent a studio if it weren't for my health and life a completely different life.
Just for today I will accept that which I cannot change.
The courage to change what I can
The wisdom to know the difference
All I can change right now is my attitude.
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Portland monthly mag dot com travel dash and dash outdoors
How do I know everything that's been going wrong with me is related to my thyroid? Because I've lived in my body my whole life. hahaha...
I walked into the doctors office on Friday and listed off everything that's wrong. After which I proceeded to say I don't want a blood test I want to raise my levels somewhere between what it is now and what that last dose was. He agreed. He started to talk endocrinologist and I stopped him right in his tracks with a list of what the endocrinologist will do and how they will do it. This was followed up with how many different doctors I've seen over the years.
I keep thinking that it will get better. I have hope that the pain and the exhaustion will go away. I keep thinking I will figure out how to manage it 100% and I won't have to play the numbers game with my blood levels. I can tell you this, since Friday when I started taking the higher dose I've been able to breath better and my hair stopped falling out in chunks. I keep resting and not pushing myself to the very edge of my limits. The hope is in a week I'll be back to feeling better and then I can start repairing the joints that need attention.
I want to ride my bike all the time.
I want to hike.
I want to go boating, swimming, dancing and just move my body with out pure exhaustion.
I miss yoga. lol
The one no two good things I'm do right; I take my pills right and I eat right. I guess you could say three, I don't give up.
I could so get use to this island living, it's clam and slow and wonderful!!
- Mood:
calm
Having a wonderful life!!
I remember what my brain chemistry was like before it. Now I know what it's like after it. I can tell you it's a huge difference. Last month I was broke and made the decision to buy vitamins instead of pay bills, lame I know.
I think it was one of the best decisions I could have made. I'm not sure if my brain chemistry just reacts well to D or if the study the doc out of Bellingham did really is true. All I do know is when I don't take it I'm depressed. When I do take ( it takes a few weeks to take affect) then I feel great. It's so tiny too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My next very favorite vitamin is glucosimine/condrodiant with msm. That stuff combined with a daily dose of a well rounded b complex and I can fight my joint pain like no tomorrow. I did an informal study on my friends with hypothyroidism. Every last one of us, both thin and heavy have had major joint pain in our bodies. I chaulcked it up to being heavy until I started remembering when my started. I was 12. I wasn't heavy. Then I asked my thin budies with hoshies, they all have major joint pain. I think there is a connenction and find it funny there is no research on it. I looked.
Ah well, I'm sure they would come up with a pill that would have a side effect. I'm good. LOL.
I love the solutions I'm finding through vitamins, diet and exercise. I'm down another 9 pounds in a month. I was worried I was going to gain then I realized I was still strength training and I stick to my 2380 calories a day.
I did go on a suger bindge last weekend and I forgive myself. I'm back to my fruits and veggies this week. It's hard because I'm trying to buy for the boys on top of teach them how to be healthy.
One day at a time.
I take a few other vitamins and I'll go into them another time now I'm going to finish lounging for we have a huge day if activities.
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I've recently discovered how much I loathe large crowds. I must have gone over the decision to go to the parade a million times. Finally I decided against it. I've been facing my fears head on like a bull for a few years now and have decided there are a few things I'm just going to let alone. Huge crowds that overwhelm me to the point of high anxiety is one of them.
Everytime I start thinking about going to that soltice parade flashes of childhood events start piling in. Some of them were amazing fun, while some were really scarry. I can still remember asking myself over and over "how did I get myself into this mess". Children don't get themselves into a mess.
I made the decision to not stress out and go to the Pass. I'm going to get a little man time and a huge amount of kid time. He has to work for most of the day saturday and sunday. We will go play at the beach, do the carnivile in Anacortes and ride bikes. I think on Sunday I want to take them to the fort.
I really love it up there. Everytime the boys and I take our little overnight trips it always ends up over there.
I'm glad I met such a good man.
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And my body hates me.
Something isn't right. I'm making an appointment tomorrow because of the increasing pain. It growing all over. Usually it's in the injury and that's it. This time the injury is pissed off and so is the rest of the body.
I'm taking everything like I'm supposed to. I can't help but wonder what gods I pissed off now.
I promise to take it easy. Just a little cookies, that's all.
Or whip cream.
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I'm terrible scared and happy and wow am I overwhelmed at work.
Home is so blissful and real. Its not this make-believe bull shit that I've been playing at for the last few years.
I'm anxious and nervous and that has a lot to do with everything. Here's the list in no particular order (its all good too);
Home
. the boys are home because camp doesn't start for another week.
. they are old enough to be home
. I was a teenager with untreated AD/HD
. I had siblings
. we all had the same mom who did the best she could with what she had
. we were hell -ins
I want to trust that they are being successful
my oldest shaved his head last year
impulse control is something I have a hard time with I can't expect my 14 year old with raging hormones to have better luck.
work
My department wants me to stop being the princess I am and to step up.
I'm pretending well that I'm up for it when I'm shaking in my boots.
I forgot how to trouble shoot application issues let alone in unix. what the fuck chuck?!?!?!?!?!?!
I know I can do this
I don't do public humiliation well
Physically
my body hurts
I need to work out to feel emotionally better
my bmi is at 40 which is obese - yes I obsess over being heavy, (when you spend as much time as I do with doctors and have a family health history like mine you would to)
I've pushed to hard and hurt my ankle again.
I want to do yoga
my shoulder and hands hurt and if I don't make them stop it's going to cost me more money I don't have
Money
This is like a roller coster of hell!
One week I'm ok and the next I'm freakin out. I want off of this one.
so...
I'm caught up on my daily living expenses YAY!!
sat down and did a budget last night with my other stuff it way off track boo!!
lots of thoughts will write about it at the end of the list
interpersonal relationships
I have met someone, yes I know how can I work on me if I'm in a relationship?
What works for some doesn't work for others. I've spent most of my life alone and I'm done being alone.
I'm also in counseling and face my fears and truths daily.
I wouldn't be able to stand up for myself and be who I am if I was growing as much as I am.
I love my counselor.
For the first time ever yesterday I was able to tell a very dear and close friend my opinion about something was way different then hers and not feel guilty or bad for having a difference of opinions.
Everyone lives their lives different and it's ok.
I'm enjoying the relationships I have with everyone in my life.
I've even established a few new guy friend relationships that boy I tell you were really hard when I had to tell them I was choosing to be exclusive with this one guy. I didn't want to loose them as friends and I hope I don't.
The old me would have lied, ignored and did what ever it took to avoid facing that person. Now I was able to face them and tell them with out lying.
I've grown a lot
I have a lot more to go
I wont stop seeing my shrink.
I'm not ready to move in with my new found guy
I'm not ready to get married
I am ready to be exclusive and enjoy his company and not be alone.
Ok....
stuff....
The money is really starting to bother me, after R moved out I started coming up with a ton of elaborate plans to save and pay bills. Yeah, it didn't work. In fact all I was able to do was save enough money to buy a weeks worth of food for when the boys got here. I had to borrow against my 401k to pay for some dental work and car repairs. It's like a train wreck I'm watching in slow motion.
I did such an awesome job getting out of debt, I
I looked at alternative plans and supplemental plans. Not a one will help or make a difference, in fact I actually have one of the best plans around.
I want to save for the boys college aggressively because I don't want them to have to go to a community college. I want them to have a better fighting chance then I did. I'm willing to give up my house for them. I don't care if they never give back to me. I want them to have it easy. I know they understand when they come and visit how hard it is. I know they understand the value of the dollar and that mom doesn't have any money, so to speak. That doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is they get to follow their dreams.
so I'm frustrated I can't figure this out. Everyone offers to help and that's awesome I appreciate the offers. What I'm missing is a simple plan.
I think I'll revert back to the Chicken Boom plan. I lived with her some years ago and she was brilliant with money. She made 1/2 of what I did and managed to make it work.
She wrote everything down in her spiral note book, her bills went in another one.
She paid a small amount on each back bill and figured out how to live on half her income, the other half went into savings. Half of that went to the kids college fund and the other half was split up for her retirement/rainy day and then her house.
Now I have medical to contend with so I need to think on this, I think I can come up with a workable plan. I've already cut everything out, well except eating out. I think that's last on my list.
like everything else I will conquer this!
My art is hanging on my wall. It's the first time I've ever seen this and smile everytime I look at it.
I'm so happy!!
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Life has been so busy. I've been working hard at learning Unix. They have me learning some of the hardest stuff I think I've every not wanted to learn in my whole life. The biggest bonus, it's transferrable and in a year or two once I've conquered this beast I can work towards my oracle dba.
So anyway...
Until I get a real machine at home and slow down posting is going to be hard. work keeps me insanely busy. I figure everything will slow down again soon and I'll be able to go back to posting.
Funny thing is I don't feel manic or depressed, I'm just living.
This is the first time I think in my whole life I am just living.
I just read through my f-list for the first timein about a week. I made it to Saturday. Ever since work band LJ from the Internet and the little laptop I have won't let me update the current safari. So I use my iPhone. I'm getting tired of using my iPhone.
Before the summer is out I will figure out how to buy a new machine. I really want an apple but may have to settle for a dell.
I have a lot I want to reply to everyone. I just want to do it in your post not mine.
Maybe I'll go to the library today.
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Pretty shot from driving yesterday
And some hills
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