Sometimes when I ask the great gods that be to help me change it’s just a little too radical for me. I still feel like I’m in a dream. Monday sucked and I don’t really ever want to talk about it again so don’t ask.


I worked it out by pulling every single weed in my garden. My finger tips are raw, my apartment is a mess and my knees hurt but I feel so much better. The earth is a beautiful thing to help when needed.

I need to change my life now. I can’t keep moving on the way I do but I really don’t have strong enough skills for anything else. I know I want to do something physical, not line work. I’m thinking something like painter or UPS truck loader or even a barrista.

Blah.. I don’t want to loose my apartment but currently I think I have enough change in my purse for a venti breve. Hahaha.. I’ve actually given up my coffee habit because I just can’t afford it.

I’m really angry at myself for many reasons. I don’t eat enough and the hunger lately is really getting to me. I’ve been letting my friends take care of me and I don’t them too. I’m falling into a deep depression because yet again I’ve failed at another job. I know ms Ambermooncat I’m not cut out for this work and I know why but I still failed and it’s still apart of me. I can’t hold onto my accomplishments anymore because the perpetual failure is too overbearing right now.

My goal for the next two weeks is to find as many odd jobs as I can to earn enough to make rent and a $450 bill. So my goal is to earn 1075 by Aug 1st. I’m not sure right now how that’s going to happen but it’s going to happen. Like in the movie Shakespeare in Love, Will says to the owner of the Rose, “but how?” The owner says, “I don’t know, it’s a mystery”. I love that line. It makes me giggle. I’m really not as depressed as I sound; the drama of blowing it out of proportion is fun. Ok not really but I like making it fun. If I didn’t I think I would just fall off the face of the earth sometimes. I’m so tired of my life going in the same fucking circle. What the hell is so wrong with me that I can’t keep a man and I can’t keep a job?

I like to say AD/HD but I know that is a cop out. I know what my diagnosis is and I know how to deal with it. My health is finally on the up swing. If I have to sell everything I own to keep my health I will. I love feeling good physically. I love being able to skip with the boys or run/walk on the tread mill.

Blah.

I wanted to go to July Coronation and then Autumn War and then Banner War.. but at the rate I’m going.. I’ll be lucky to have a roof over my head.

Fucking shit

And damn I’m fucking horny!

I don’t need that right now. Granted it’s been way to fucking long and I could just fuck for the sake of fucking but I’m done with that too. I think there is only really one person that I play with that doesn’t leave me feeling empty afterwards. He knows who he is..

I think I’ll go dancing tomorrow night at the Merc, then again on Saturday. Dancing hard always seems to work out the need for crazy animal sex.

How do I make it stop?